Our late-twenty-something neurotic leading man.

I would call him the “hero” of the comic, but heroes don’t often know the thread-count of their bed sheets. Mitch has a relatively successful career, a decent New York City apartment, great friends, a low APR, good cell phone reception, and a closet full of ribbed sweaters from Banana Republic. Yet he feels that something is still missing from his life...a void that even E! Wild On and MTV’s Spring Break haven’t been able to fill...

5 Year Plan: Undetermined, and easily Mitch’s predominant source of stress. The only definite is that he’d like to still have all the hair on his head, while minimizing those weird, random, really long black mutant hairs on his back.

 
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Mitch’s best friend from college and, along with Floyd, one of Mitch’s roommates.

Some say Dave is an insensitive prickwad, but would an insensitive prickwad consistently tear up when Goose dies? He thinks not. Undeterred by the reality of “graduating,” Dave has extended his college lifestyle well into his twenties. Although a dedicated and ambitious investment banker, Dave acknowledges that, in the end, money may not buy him happiness. But it will buy Caribbean bungalows and hot Russian blondes with broken English, and fuck it, that’s happy enough.

5 Year Plan: Formally documented as “wine, women, and song” but “Belvedere vodka, unreciprocated bjs, and a sweet home theater system” would be more accurate.

 
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Mitch’s girlfriend.

Wendy is everything a guy could ever want in a girlfriend – funny, smart, cute, and can suck the meat off a buffalo wing in one fluid motion. Her only fault is her inability to throw away shopping or plastic bags of any kind, which she compulsively stores in a hall closet like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter.

5 Year Plan: Have a meaningful job that she loves, be in a fairytale romance, start her own line of children’s books, volunteer at an animal shelter, film an award-winning documentary, fall asleep every night being spooned, and successfully lobby Congress to make ugly bridesmaid dress selection a criminal offense.

 
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Wendy’s roommate; spends an inordinate amount of time on Mitch’s couch.

Sheila defines “career” as “that-thing-you-do-for-a-few-hours -a-day-for-the-2-to-6-years-after-graduation-before-you-marry-a-rich-hottie.” Sheila is on top of everything that is the latest and greatest in New York, be it bars, restaurants, marriages or men. Pities those women who go through life ignorant of their visible panty-line shame. Haunted by the fear of spending an entire date completely unaware of bits of broccoli stuck in her teeth.

5 year plan: In this order – Meet rich guy, get “acceptable” engagement ring, celebrate wedding at the Plaza, quit job the second she gets back from honeymoon, throw out all of new husband’s “bachelor-tacky” furniture while moving into new three-bedroom apartment, start producing little bundles of future Ritalin users.

 
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Mitch’s other roommate and best friend since the third grade.

Floyd likes to keep his commitments and obligations to a minimum, preferring to float through life like a leaf twisting carelessly along the eddies of a forest stream, eagerly waiting to see where each new day will take him. Alas, they usually take him no farther than his ass dent on the couch, a side effect of his budding addiction to pop culture. A philosopher at heart, he's increasingly nauseated with himself over the mental real estate occupied by Christina Aguilera's new leather chaps in his daily ponderings.

5 Year Plan: Start the day with a half-skim latte, peruse through the Post’s Page Six, run some errands, make an appearance at "work," whip up some quiche for him and the boys for dinner, get waaaay too emotionally invested in the latest Real World, curse his roommates upon finding an empty Brita filter, refill the Brita filter. Repeat 1,825 times.

 
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Mitch, Floyd, and Dave’s next-door neighbor.

Nupe has the kind of “people-skills” usually associated with short, chubby, balding, sexually-frustrated tech department guys. As fate would have it, he also looks just like one. An ex-dotcom CEO, Nupe is always finding new and destructive ways to apply his innovative brilliance. His pubescent years were scarred by recurring fantasies of a ménage with Blanche and Dorothy from the Golden Girls, and, despite years of therapy, Nupe never fully recovered.

5 Year Plan: Develop an algorithm to explain the scientifically implausible success of Caroline Rhea, as it may be the world's only hope to stop this excruciating Wanda Sykes epidemic.

 
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